Sunday, May 30, 2010

Hugging

There has been WAY too much hugging in my life lately. If you know me at all, you know that I really don't like to be touched at all. Pretty much anyone but Joe will be shut down. My friend Jessie even asks if she can hug me (She's a hugger). But, for the last month I feel like I have been doing nothing but hugging. Between volunteering in the flood areas, my dad's retirement, and two funerals, I have probably hugged a billion people. OK maybe just several hundred. What is it about suffering and death that makes people hug?

I remember a sermon that one of my classmates gave during our preaching class. She was talking about the bleeding women who simply touched Jesus and was healed (both in body and in spirit). She was healed from the power of touch and Jesus (pretty much) always healed with a touch. My classmate talked about the importance of touch for healing purposes and I completely agree.

If I have had a bad day, I wait for Joe to come home and get myself a good, big hug. I don't have to tell him what's wrong, he doesn't have to say it's ok- I just need touch. I have realized through the flood and the funerals that a touch says things that your words can't. "I'm sorry for your loss" only goes so far. Many times I have no other words. This is all we can do. Just by touching someone we are taking on (or bearing) some of their suffering and pain and offering ourselves (making ourselves vulnerable... ugh).

One of my field education pastors when praying about or with those who were ill, would always say "God, wrap your loving arms around them." I always thought that was a strange image and not one I was really comfortable with. But, the more suffering I see and the more people I hug (voluntarily) the image makes more sense. We are praying for God to touch them, for the ill or grieving to feel God's presence in a very real way. In the way that I go to Joe and just need a hug. Also, when we offer sincere touch and hugs, we are offering ourselves but we are also representing God. We are making the comfort of God REAL to these people! Especially those who can't recognize him on their own.

A Blast from the Past

When I left my hometown in the fall of 2002, fresh out of high school, I vowed that I would never return. Well, other than visiting my parents on holidays of course. I severed all ties, except for a select few and was determined to move on with my life. I left behind "mean girls" and other drama to move on to my new life.

I am back. I know I know, I have been back a year. I have run into ex-boyfriends at the Mexican restaurants, old teachers in Walmart, and people that I really didn't want to see at weddings. I have made awesome new friendships and rekindled some old ones. Key word.... some.

But, it is funeral season (Trust me, I was able to compare the two funeral homes today with a list of pros and cons). And I live in a small town in the south, if there is a funeral and you know the person, the person's family, or the person's dog, you show up... with massive amount of food. Today, I spent an hour and a half with one of those people who I never really wanted to see again because we were at a funeral of a close friend. It's amazing that after almost 8 years how much anger, resentment, and bitterness can still be in my heart.

I figured with 8 years and people being out of my life that I would be over it, but nooo. Forgiveness is illusive. Forgetting and avoiding is not forgiving. I am angry and I am angry that she continued to be in the life of my friends and was there when I wasn't. I remember the little things that I had forgotten, like how even someone else's mom's funeral could be about her (and that was 8 years ago- we have funeral issues).

I got to see some awesome people that I hadn't seen in 8 years and probably won't see again for another 8 but all I can think about it how I had to spend an hour with her. We were polite, we remembered (some good and some bad). I remember that she knows me. We were talking about my prison ministry and she even said "you need to be in the middle of it don't you?" Not in a bad way- but in the way that Ive talked about before- in the midst of suffering doing something tangible.

I tell my youth consistently to forgive- even if it takes awhile. But when is it forgiveness and when is it just forgetting? Just choosing not to think about it or talk about it. Or, if we do talk about it- we make illusions and references but never really get to the issue and never really reconcile. I don't mean reconcile in a surface way- like a battered wife returned to a dangerous marriage just because he says I'm sorry, but to truly say "This is how you have hurt me, How have I hurt you?" "What can I say or do to make this right?" and then going your separate ways in peace and a spirit of forgiveness with no anger or regrets.

I think the last 8 years have been more about forgetting than anything. There is no more running, no more classes in forgiveness and reconciliation. But instead, sitting and being and trying to LIVE forgiveness.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Doin' what I do

I haven't been posting awhile partly because I have been cranky and partly because I have been doin' what I do. I have been living into my deacon-ness by serving others and by trying to witness to God in a broken world.

First of all, a huge flood hit Nashville and other surrounding areas including towns that were about a half hour away from me. It was awful sitting in front of the TV and watching the water rise over people's homes and neighborhoods and not being able to do anything about it. Knowing that families and communities would be without homes and school. If you haven't heard about it or seen pictures- go to you tube and search for Nashville flood. I knew that I couldn't sit in my house and do nothing! I needed to get my hands dirty. I needed to be with people and grieve and rejoice with them.

One of my good friends is a youth pastor in one of the counties that was hit badly (only 30 minutes away from me!) so, I went to help at the Donation/Distribution Center. You don't really get the full effect of the flood even by pictures. We had families that came in after not eating for days. We had people who are going to be bulldozing their homes. People came in to the center in tears and with literally the clothing on their back....

About a week later, my grandmother passed away. And my family asked me to do the service. I felt like the biggest hypocrite. My grandmother was a Christian so it wasn't that. My family just didn't treat her very well in life and now we were mourning her death. For myself, there was a lot of regret about the things I should have said and things I should have done. It was incredibly hard to talk about her being a loving mother when the family didn't think that she was.

What I realized in all this, is that this is why I am a deacon (called to word and service). I need to be in the middle of serving the homeless and the hungry. I need to get my hands dirty. If I can't do that, then I need to be inspiring people directly to get THEIR hands dirty. I need to be outside the church, being the church in the world. There is something inside me (I suspect the Holy Spirit) that calls me to be a servant first and a leader second. My leadership in this experience grew out of first a desire and willingness to do something!

As far as the funeral goes, I was able to glorify God and the life of my grandmother, because I know that God is more loving and more gracious in death, than we are to one another in life. I need to speak words of forgiveness and new life after a hard life filled with pain, suffering, and unforgiveness. It is to be witness of hope in a broken and hurting family and world.

These past few weeks, I may not have been doing much of my job as a "youth minister"but, I have been doing what it is that God has called me to. Praise be to God!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Engagement

It starts small- with a ring and a promise. A hint from a friend or two. A nice thought out proposal. Or a proposal that you (as the willful one in this relationship) seriously botched. Two word- "Will you...." A kiss and a smile. And then the chaos starts.

You make big plans, or you make small plans. Inevitably when other people get involved it snowballs. You ask your friends to be there during the journey- sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't. You talk about where you are going to live and what your family is going to look like? Can you be submissive and gentle? Who does the housework no one wants to do?. How is the past going to effect your relationship? Can you forgive? Not only for the big stuff- but the little stuff as well- the times you forget to do your part or you are having a grumpy day. How does this relationship effect the other relationships you have? With your parents? Your friends? Your church? Your enemies? You fight about stupid things, and you hold your ground about the important things. You try to find the solutions. The best way for you two to fit together in the world before you make the big commitment.

This is what the United Methodist church calls commissioning. Commissioning is our engagement to God and the church. We know that we want this special relationship with him. A relationship that sets us apart from others. We have not yet made the "big" commitment of being fully ordained, but we are willing to explore what that looks like in our relationship. By the time, we have come to this point, we should have pretty well decided that this is what we are going to do with the rest of our lives, but it still hits us like a ton of bricks. We keep talking about it in our residency groups and with our friends and family. (can you say pre-martial counseling?) We look at the things that we may have glossed over before. We learn how to do this relationship in the best way for us and our churches. If it doesn't work about between us, we can still call it off. It will still be incredibly painful and heartbreaking, but what if we had waited? Our churches and leaders are making sure that this is in fact the question God is asking you and that you can live up to your vows of commitment. The question is "can I do this? Is that what God want from me?"

God loves us no matter what. He is constantly "popping" different questions and wooing us into a deeper relationship with God. We all have different times when we are giddy in love with God and times when we have to ask hard questions. Maybe other people are married or enagaged to God in different ways. But, as I keep trying to describe the special relationship that God has called me into and the committment I have made to God- this image works for me. An image of joy and gladness, communication and struggles, the image of wooing and acceptance.

At the end point of ordination, there is a huge celebration and lots of well-wishers. As hard as this process may be, at the end you are married. You are in the place you are supposed to be and united to the one who loves and adores you and it doesn't get any better than that.



Ps. I got the idea for this blog from the post "Dearly Beloved" by Katie Yahns on the Fidelia's Sister's e-zine. Google YoungClergy Women Project.

Jobless Blessings

So, I have spent the last 5 or 6 months actively looking for a second job (since my job is part-time). I have applied for everything including jobs at hospitals, administrative jobs, keeping kids, etc. The only real problem I feel like is that my priority is my youth. I can't work Sunday or Wednesdays and prefer not to work every night.

While this is often overwhelming (applications sometimes take an hour and a half to complete), it has been an amazing way to learn about new ministries in the surrounding areas. I found a word processing job that lead to me learning about Dismas Charities (Dismascharities.com) , which helps those who are about to be released from prison find a job. (Score!) Looking for jobs at the YMCA introduced me to their counseling program (did you know they had one? Only in TN!) called Restore Ministries. Today, I was looking and found several after-school care programs that focus on academics and athletic character building for underprivileged youth.

Even though the job hunt is yet unfruitful, I am not discouraged. God is working in our world and my community. There are other people serving in paid and volunteer capacities that care about our youth, our children, our military. All of these opportunities make me say "Wow!" and give me great ideas for my future ministry options and ideas. We are all in this together. We are creating a world where the church does not have to do everything (good thing since we can't) and have full responsibility for everyone. These organizations allow us and others to be Christians in different ways, outside the church walls. It reminds us that the mission of the church is not just Sunday School or construction projects, but entire systems that support "the least of these" through sustainable long-term programs.

My church may not have the resources to do homeless ministry, prison ministry, and ministry with those who have disabilities, but our hope comes in that God will raise up someone who does have resources, who can do these ministries, and who will follow the will of God.

Monday, April 12, 2010

A Case for Bar Ministry

God is sneaky. Often, when I am sitting with my students in youth group, trying to do my job, trying everything possible to communicate the gospel to them, I fail. Miserably. I try to use videos and games and everything else, but when it comes down to it- I freeze. I worry so much about what I'm saying that it comes out staged or rehearsed or it's just not enough. I know that God has called me to proclaim the gospel, but most of the time it doesn't feel that way.

So, God uses bars (the drinking kind- not the playground kind) to remind me of my call. This weekend one of Joe's friends from college got married. It was a big to-do and lots of our old friends were there. I was especially excited because our friends, a couple from North Carolina had come into town. So, after the wedding and reception, we went out (to a bar) with all our old friends. I end up sitting next to the husband of this couple and he starts asking me whether or not I think that people will do the right thing when left to their own devices. Honestly, when we started talking I was annoyed because I thought it was going to be a conversation about health care and I dislike talking to people about health care. But, actually when it came down to it- he was concerned about the state of his soul. He respects Jesus as a moral teacher and he was wondering if that was enough (He didn't SAY that, but that was the underlying theme). He and his wife have different denominational backgrounds, which makes it all difficult. He has some issues with the church and with choosing Jesus as the only way to God (don't we all.)

I spent most of our conversation listening but, when I did speak, all I could say, over and over is that morality is not enough- that trusting in Jesus and leaning on God for everything is the way to a good life and life eternal. I repeated over and over that Jesus was the most clear revelation of God's love for us. It just flowed our my mouth. It was not planned, rehearsed, or scripted. It was not the 10 steps to salvation. I was simply telling him about my love and joy for Jesus Christ- who is enough, even when we are not.

I knew I wasn't going to "win" this conversation. He was not going to get down on his knees in the middle of the bar and give his life to Jesus Christ. As I look back I could probably have said some things differently, but, I was able to encourage him to experience God for himself- to find a church and let God work. I proclaimed that no this world is not good enough, we are not good enough- but God is!!

It was not a sermon. It was not planned. It was the gospel.

Now, you might think that this is a drunken fluke. People do like to have religious conversations while they are drunk or high. But, when we met this friend for the weekend- he said to me "Great! Now we can have a philosophical conversation." God was already bringing these things to his heart and me to this place of ministry. This is not the first time God has brought this to me.

A few months before I left for seminary, I went to a party. My friends were teasing me about going into ministry and a guy freaked out because I was at this party. Eventually we sat down and I was honest with him about my disappointments in life and how I was freaking our about my family and my call. Because of my honesty, I was able to share the gospel with him and comfort him about things in his life. This has defined my call. If I can proclaim the gospel, when I am struggling and in this unique kind of situation- then God can move anywhere.

I may get discouraged that I am not doing my "job" well- my youth aren't coming to me with their problems, that I have little opportunity to pray with them, and they only hear about two awkward sentences of the gospel. I worry a lot about my "job" since I have a different kind of set-up. But, if I can share the love of Jesus with my friends in a bar- then my ministry is complete.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Why people hate Duke (and the church)

For the last few days and weeks, I have been reading articles and watching news reports that center around the theme of why people hate Duke. As a HUGE Duke fan, I still don't quite get it. There is a good coach running a good program (where the athletes actually graduate) and the WIN! Yep. Nothing good about that. All the articles have different reasons and ideas behind this hatred- private school, Coach K, we love the "underdog" etc.

One article, in Sports Illustrated, said that Duke's fans were simply alumni who were spread across the country and people who wanted to be a part of their success. I said to myself that the author simply could not be right. Surely there are Duke fans who haven't attended Duke! There has to be! But, on game day, as I watched my Facebook newsfeed it became glaringly obvious that I was wrong. Besides my Duke student and alumni friends, no one was supporting Duke. :( I realize that I live in Big Orange Country and that you don't have to choose between the two blues like you do in North Carolina. But seriously, NO Duke supporters?

This really bothered me. How are current students and alum the only people who support Duke? I decided that it was because we have EXPERIENCED Duke basketball. We have camped out (for a weekend or a semester) just to get a good standing spot. We have been squished in with thousands of other students just to be a part of the atmosphere. We jumped up and down for weeks! We followed silly and not-so-original cheers. We know the Lobster dance by heart. We camped in rain and frigid temperatures to be front and center. We debate the merits of Zoubs career as we walk to class (and might even run into him in the Loop). Our best friend is the Crazy Towel Guy. We are the sixth man- the Cameron Crazies. We see the good things that these boys and Coach K is doing and we get behind it. Unless you've been there, you just don't get it.

Now you know I still hold a grudge against Coach K for having the audacity to compare himself to Jesus at the graduate camp out. But, I think this kind of experience and community is also why people are uncomfortable with or "hate" the church.

As Christians, we have EXPERIENCED the living God. We sleep on air mattresses for a week when we take the youth on a mission trip. We squish together on a pew for Easter morning worship. We follow the sometimes silly and not-so-original praise songs. We know the Lord's Prayer by heart. We pray through pain and suffering just so we can be a part of what God is doing in the world. We debate the merits of missions and the different types of communion bread as we walk to Sunday School. Our best friend is Jesus. We are the hands and feet of God in the world- the disciples. We see the awesome and amazing things that God is doing in the world and we want to participate in that. Unless you've been there, unless you've experienced the risen Christ- you just don't get it.

First Corinthians says "for the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of Gd." People think we are silly, we are foolish, we have put our faith in a dead God. But, when we invite them into our experiences, they become part of a community. They will get it. They will see that church is more than a group of people and a sermon. When they meet the risen Christ, they will support him with crazy cheers and extreme displays of loyalty and courage. When they see God at work in the world and in their lives, they will be his biggest fan.

My first year at Duke- I didn't attend a single game or watch one on TV. Now I'm their biggest fan because my friends encouraged me to be a part of this experience (and let me in their camp out group). So, who wants to camp out for Jesus?