A Blast from the Past

When I left my hometown in the fall of 2002, fresh out of high school, I vowed that I would never return. Well, other than visiting my parents on holidays of course. I severed all ties, except for a select few and was determined to move on with my life. I left behind "mean girls" and other drama to move on to my new life.

I am back. I know I know, I have been back a year. I have run into ex-boyfriends at the Mexican restaurants, old teachers in Walmart, and people that I really didn't want to see at weddings. I have made awesome new friendships and rekindled some old ones. Key word.... some.

But, it is funeral season (Trust me, I was able to compare the two funeral homes today with a list of pros and cons). And I live in a small town in the south, if there is a funeral and you know the person, the person's family, or the person's dog, you show up... with massive amount of food. Today, I spent an hour and a half with one of those people who I never really wanted to see again because we were at a funeral of a close friend. It's amazing that after almost 8 years how much anger, resentment, and bitterness can still be in my heart.

I figured with 8 years and people being out of my life that I would be over it, but nooo. Forgiveness is illusive. Forgetting and avoiding is not forgiving. I am angry and I am angry that she continued to be in the life of my friends and was there when I wasn't. I remember the little things that I had forgotten, like how even someone else's mom's funeral could be about her (and that was 8 years ago- we have funeral issues).

I got to see some awesome people that I hadn't seen in 8 years and probably won't see again for another 8 but all I can think about it how I had to spend an hour with her. We were polite, we remembered (some good and some bad). I remember that she knows me. We were talking about my prison ministry and she even said "you need to be in the middle of it don't you?" Not in a bad way- but in the way that Ive talked about before- in the midst of suffering doing something tangible.

I tell my youth consistently to forgive- even if it takes awhile. But when is it forgiveness and when is it just forgetting? Just choosing not to think about it or talk about it. Or, if we do talk about it- we make illusions and references but never really get to the issue and never really reconcile. I don't mean reconcile in a surface way- like a battered wife returned to a dangerous marriage just because he says I'm sorry, but to truly say "This is how you have hurt me, How have I hurt you?" "What can I say or do to make this right?" and then going your separate ways in peace and a spirit of forgiveness with no anger or regrets.

I think the last 8 years have been more about forgetting than anything. There is no more running, no more classes in forgiveness and reconciliation. But instead, sitting and being and trying to LIVE forgiveness.